Everyone hates dating apps

Thoughts on a better way

If there’s one thing everyone in open relationships seems to agree on, it’s that they really don’t like dating apps. But because there’s no clear alternative, many folks continue to tolerate the apps in hopes of finding new connections.

I’ve been on OKCupid for 20 years, which seems like an incredibly long time. Back when I joined, it was independently owned and worked pretty well. There was no Tinder-style swiping. Everyone spent a lot of time filling out their profile, writing in great detail about themselves. You can spot vintage profiles on there today, as they tend to be laughably long-winded. There were also match questions, which remain to this day, where your match percentage with someone else is based on how many questions you answer the same way.

Over the years, I’ve met quite a few fantastic people I matched with on OKCupid. Some of them turned into years-long relationships and remain part of my life. But after Match Group Inc. bought OKCupid and introduced profile swiping, things seemed to change for the worse. That change seemed to coincide with a general decrease in the quality of interaction and ability to find good matches. I’ve spoken with dozens of people who have given up on it completely.

The idea of a match percentage is great, but it was always a bit weird to judge compatibility by how many questions you answered the same way. Compatibility isn’t necessarily about sameness. Opposites can attrack too. I remember meeting people who were a 99% match with me only to find out we were too similar to make things work. We agreed about everything and had there wasn’t enough spice. Often, it was the 70-80% range that was the sweet spot, but it was still hit and miss.

Meeting new people to date or sleep with when you’re in an open relationship isn’t easy. If you meet someone at a party or a bar, it’s very unlikely they’re also open, given the statistics. Community events run by polyamory or other open groups can be good, but you only meet those who happen to attend that night, so your pool is much more limited. And so that brings everyone back to dating apps.

I’ve started thinking about a new kind of online matchmaking experience that would look for compatibility in a much more effective way. Rather than comparing how many answers two people answered the same way, what if we could much more thoroughly ask people about themselves and what they’re looking for. That, plus eliminating the picture swiping, may be a way to bring back the glory days of OKCupid of the early 2000s.

As I develop this idea into something real, I’ll keep you all posted!